Snippets of Wisdom

Never underestimate the power of a carefully calculated ass-kicking. (D&D ad)

It's not what you call me, but what I answer to.

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

Not to know is bad, not to wish to know is worse.

Those who wear fig leaves should not dance with hungry goats.

History repeats itself because nobody was listening the first time.

>Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos--you never know what's going to burn your ass.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

The more shit you put up with, the more shit you are going to get.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Safety Tip of the Day: Always bend your knees when banging your head against a wall.

You have two ears and one mouth. Remember to use them in more or less that proportion.

If you think education is costly, try ignorance.

There are two ways of meeting difficulties. You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself.

Art is meant to disturb.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get one, but you won't end up with a handful of mud either.

Political Correctness: a system of thinking where it's OK to offend someone right in front of you by enforcing a made-up rule to stop a theoretical offense to an unknown person later when you aren't even going to be there.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monuments than why I have one.

The price of greatness is responsibility.

Personally, I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

I shouldn't have to live in a world where all the good points are horrible ones.

Our job is to live as well and as long as we can, and to help others do the same. What happens after that and how we are viewed by others is beyond our control. The river of time carries us all away. All we have is the moment.

A smile is just a grimace that's been edited for public consumption.

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

Sex is like the death penalty: one outcome, so many different ways of carrying it out.

If you see 10 troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine of them will run into the ditch before they reach you.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

A bachelor is a man who can take a nap on top of a bedspread.

If you preach intolerance, even the tolerant aren't obligated to tolerate you.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.

Against every great and noble endeavor stand a million mediocre minds.

...And I still believe that, in spite of everything, that people are really good at heart.

Genuis without Education is like Silver in the Mine.

Hide not your talents; they for use were made.
What's a sundial in the shade?

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Show me a woman that's not full of herself and I'll show you an empty person.

Turn the lights on when you're having sex! Because if you can't stand to look at the person while doing it, then you shouldn't be with that person in the first place!

The trouble with being a superhero is that there's always some lunatic coming along and giving you some sick, sadistic choice.

I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, design a building, write a sonnet, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, solve equations, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own. It is error alone that needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself.

Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.

Keep your face to the sunshine and you can not see the shadows.

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

It's a shame that stupidity isn't painful.

This is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you've understood all your life, but in a new way.

Think wrongly if you please, but in all cases think for yourself.

It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up.

Learn from the mistakes of others -- you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Nothing is interesting if you're not interested.

Religion flourishes in greater purity without than with the aid of government.

What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.

After all, there is but one race -- humanity.

Asking a cartoonist to be nice is like asking a pit bull to be a lap dog.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

If everyone is thinking alike then somebody isn't thinking.

The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.

There are days I think religion is the best advertisement for atheism.

The current state of knowledge can be summerized thus: In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.

The truth is that even big collections of ordinary books distort space, as can readily be proved by anyone who has been around a really old-fashioned secondhand bookshop, one of those that look as though they were designed by M. Escher on a bad day and has more staircases than storeys and those rows of shelves which end in little doors that are surely too small for a full-sized human to enter. The relevant equation is: Knowledge = power = energy = matter = mass; a good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.

The reason that clichés become clichés is that they are the hammers and screwdrivers in the toolbox of communication.

One of the most basic rules for survival on any planet is never to upset someone wearing black leather. (This is why protesters against the wearing of animal skins by humans unaccountably fail to throw their paint over Hell's Angels.)

If you have to look along the shaft of an arrow from the wrong end, if a man has you entirely at his mercy, then hope like hell that man is an evil man. Because the evil like power, power over people, and they want to see you in fear. They want you to know you're going to die. So they'll talk. They'll gloat.
They'll watch you squirm. They'll put off the moment of murder like another man will put off a good cigar.
So hope like hell your captor is an evil man. A good one will kill you with hardly a word.

One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it.

You did something because it had always been done, and the explanation was "but we've always done it this way." A million dead people can't have been wrong, can they?

When you step off a cliff, your life takes a very definite direction.

You take people as far as they would like to go, not as far as you would like them to go.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Live in such a way that you wouldn't be afraid to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

The unexamined life is not worth living.

God gave us the ability to think. Being an American gives us the freedom to express our thoughts. I love my country. So please don't pull that Dixie Chicks scare tactic of labeling me "anti-American." Although in America you have the freedom to do so, just like I have the freedom to tell you to kiss my red, white, and blue ass.

All men are responsible for one another.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should've been more specific.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have three precious things: Freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

Smoking is the only socially acceptable form of suicide.